Hey guys For this post I am going to talk about my personal experience with ROCD. For what ROCD is and other useful information, check out my other posts.
My ROCD started about 5 months into my relationship with the absolute LOML (ha take that ROCD). I remember being sat and intrusive thoughts just started up and the hell began. I think the worst one at the time was “what if I’m not really in love”. I felt sick. I felt horrified and I felt guilty. I think the worst thing about ROCD is the guilt. And the lack of control over the thoughts.
Sometimes we all get intrusive thoughts about things and they are easily brushed off, but these ones stuck to me like gum in my hair. I don’t remember exactly how I felt for the rest of the day and what I was thinking but I remember getting home and facetiming my boyf and starting up the conversation as to what he thought love was. He had the most loveliest truthful answers and all I could do was panic. And it all came spilling out and I told him my thoughts and I cried and told him how much I loved him and he said everything would be alright. And I felt good. For a while.
Then another thought would kick in. When being intimate with my boyfriend, I would constantly be assessing how I felt. Even when we were just hanging out. I went through a phase of not wanting to stay in and watch a nice film, simply because I was scared these thoughts would pop up and I would feel guilty, and so I constantly needed to be doing something. It’s actually horrible writing this blog and talking about it all again because it was and still is a horrible situation. I love my life but these niggling rubbish thoughts are there and although they’ve calmed down, it still gets to me sometimes, and I’m not always strong enough to fight them.
The niggling thoughts I have now are not so much about how I feel about my boyfriend but more so about the past and past relationships, and how I have obsessive thoughts about them. I will talk about that in another blog after my next one which will be all about triggers. There is so much more I could talk about in this blog post but it would take a VERY long time and can’t remember off the top of my head, so if you have any specific thoughts then please leave them in the comments! I would love to be able to offer advice ( that’ll be another blog too!)
It’ll all be fine x
With love xox