I’m feeling quite vulnerable writing this blog post because it is online for anyone to cast their opinion over and tell me what they think, whether I want to hear it or not. But it also might help someone and that’s why I’m posting it.
I feel like this post is just to get things out, and I don’t expect you to read it, but it might help!!
Okay, so in my last blog post I talked about having obsessive thoughts to do with a past romance. Pahh. It’s not the kind of obsessive thoughts that you might have over an ex that you’re not over or something, rather they are more so ones that make you feel the absolute worst you can, that cause you to cry your eyes out, that can bring you to the downest of downs and the ones that come up at the worst times.
I would firstly like to clarify that I am in no way shape or form wanting anything to do with this boy. I have self doubt all of the time because of obsessive thoughts, but I have taught myself to fight them and more often then not (now) beat them.
So, this past boy wasn’t even a relationship, more of a “knew for a long time, had a crush on, got jel of girls who spoke to him, he had gf’s but wasn’t that bothered, gave me attention so assumed I must have liked him, talked for a long time and did end up liking him, he ended up having sex with another girl” kind of situation. Although I felt a bit disgusted writing that last bit, I genuinely don’t care anymore. If anything, I might be paranoid it still affects me because it did hurt a lot but now? Whatever!! It took me along time to get to that point, but now that I am, that’s one less thing to worry about- however it doesn’t stop my ROCD.
So, social media is a little bitch playing a part in all of this, but that’s okay. (Another post will be up on why it’s okay to have ROCD. Don’t worry I’ll make something out of it!)
Anywayyyy. I remember exactly where it started. I was scrolling through a social media and I came across a pic of him and his girlfriend. I knew he had a girlfriend but when I found out was just like “oh”. Like I was questioning how he’d moved on so fast, but also just wasn’t as bothered as I perhaps should’ve been, which makes me question if I liked him as much as I thought I did. Anyway. I remember thinking that, although I wasn’t bothered about this pic, something annoyed me. Was it the fact he was happy? Probably. Was it the fact that it wasn’t with me? Absolutely not. The point is, whatever caused me to feel how I did set my mind into an oh so shitty panic and the worst of the ROCD began. I was worried- I was feeling some kind of resent towards this situation even thought I was and am perfectly happy. Day by day, these thoughts got worse, and other thoughts would pop up along side it and I would need reassurance from my boyfriend. Can we just take a minute to appreciate how shitty this must have been for my boyf hearing me talk about a past like this and questioning why I was thinking it. Shout out to him.
Because I’d done this so much, it got to a point where I had to stop. I had to stop getting reassurance and I had to deal with it myself. Not because my boyfriend wasn’t helpful- I couldn’t keep saying these things to him.
So I took things into my own hands and had to reassure myself. Obsessive thoughts came and went but once a real corker came along, it didn’t budge for ages and once it did, the obsessive thoughts weren’t even about the situation or feelings, it was just him. Like his face would pop up or his name in my head. If you don’t have ROCD, you probs think I’m not over it. I well and truly am. I’ve seen him a couple of times since the situation and felt nothing and it was like we were friends again, but this doesn’t stop my ROCD. It always pops up in my head, sometimes when I’m with my boyfriend, which is the worst. I’ve gotten better at fighting it ( another blog post on how to cope coming soon!! ) but it still bugs. The reason I know it’s obsessive and nothing else is for many reasons. Firstly I could be having a nice time, and it’ll just pop up in my head. I could think about how I enjoy something and it will pop up. I could be daydreaming about my boyfriend and it’ll just pop up in my head. Maybe his name or something random. And it is so shite. It is emotionally draining. The worst of it is, is that I KNOW it’s obsessive and untrue but ROCD has this way of making you feel self doubt. But do you know what? It has gotten better. (More on that in another post!!)
I’m going to write and upload another blog post to do with triggers after this one, but this was more of a post to inform what ROCD aspect I’m suffering with now. Any advice is welcome! And if you have any comments about ex’s and ROCD let me know!! (I know mine wasn’t an ex but I don’t really know what he was lol)
Edit: most people can think about ex’s without a second thought, but I panic and think if they are crossing my mind, it must mean something!!! I know it doesn’t though. My ROCD just needs to understsand that! I also went though a phase of thinking that because it was never spoken about and solved and no apologies were said that I couldn’t get over it. I know full well that’s not true and at one point was the main trigger of my ROCD. I don’t care anymore! It took me a while to be able to say that, but now that I can, I just know the rest of it is ROCD!
With love xox